Say Yes to Your Kids
I want to take a moment and encourage everybody to say yes to their kids. Whether you’re working on an expense report for work, or writing an article, or taking a nap, or just scrolling on your phone (okay maybe especially if you’re just scrolling on your phone) - everybody can say yes to their kids more often than they do now.
What kind of yes do I mean? I’m very specifically talking about requests to play. I’m not talking about unreasonable requests like “Dad can we live at Disney World?” or “Dad can we only eat ice cream today?” - although, let’s be real, it’d be fine to say yes to that sometimes too. I’m talking about “Dad will you come dance with me?” or “Dad will you play puppets with me?”.
I know this might sound like I’m preaching to the choir with an unnecessary reminder that it’s important to spend quality time with your kids, but hear me out. Caring adults actually say “no” to playing with their kids much more often than you might realize.
And it’s deceptive because it’s very rarely a simple “no.” Much more often it’s “Yes, right after I finish this”. But “later” sounds an awful lot like “no” to a 4-year-old, and, unfortunately, “later” very often never materializes. And kids notice. Even if they’ve moved on to a new activity by the time you’re ready, and they seem like they’ve forgotten about their request - at the end of the day they were basically told no.
You’d be shocked at how quickly kids learn that “later” or “maybe”, for all intents and purposes, means “no” - and how easy it is to come to the final conclusion that mom or dad doesn’t have time for me, or care to make time for me. That’s the scariest thought for me, and it’s the reason I decided to make a conscious decision to say “yes” more often than “just a minute”.
The whole thing is very much akin to the idea that many teachers and caregivers need to be aware of how often they criticize or reprimand their kids in comparison to how many times they praise them or compliment them. Without realizing it, the scales can very easily tip towards criticisms - even with extremely well-meaning adults - and the same is definitely true with saying yes and no.
Why You Should Play With Your Kids
Now I’m sure you’re familiar with the benefits of play itself. When kids have time to focus on playing, they’re working on developing a vast skillset - including social skills, motor skills, and imagination, among other things. And when you consider the benefits of decreased stress and increased cognitive function, I think there’s a strong argument that setting aside time for play with children is one of the most important things we can do as parents and teachers.
But why is it important that it’s the parents that are playing with their kids? Can’t Mom and Dad just get their work done while the kids play with each other every day? According to Dr. Darcia Narvaez, parents are better equipped to widen the imagination of children, if only because they simply know more things. Parents are also generally more likely to provide their full attention to their child and support their ideas. Consequentially, children are more likely to feel comfortable playing make-believe using situations that require partners and more interaction when there is an adult involved - something I think we can all agree is important for development.
But, frankly, that’s all just the nuts and bolts of the social and cognitive benefits of play. Honestly, there’s a much more important reason to say yes to our kids when they want to play, and that’s your lifelong relationship with your kids. Spending quality time together with the people you love is a goal worth prioritizing. Arguing for playing with your kids more for their academic and social benefit makes it sound like a chore, and hopefully that’s not the case.
In my experience, it’s obviously much easier to say yes when you love the activity your kids want to do. That’s probably why I’ve literally never once said no to throwing a frisbee or tossing the football. Which is why bonding and discovering mutual interests is certainly important.
On the other hand, I was never a dancer, I’ve never been to tea parties, and talking with puppets does not come naturally to me. But those are all the go-to play ideas of my 4-year-old daughter. I have to admit that psychologically it’s easier to come up with excuses for saying no to these ideas, and I’d be willing to bet that others can relate with that. But it’s also worth remembering that any activity your kids come and ask you to share with them is precious - because they asked you. And forgetting that would be tossing away the best bonding opportunity I’ll ever get.
Trust me, I’m not immune to the desire to have time alone, or the need to finish work on time, and I certainly don’t want to discourage anyone from finding time to take care of themselves. And I’m well-aware of the added difficulties of parents trying to work at home during the coronavirus pandemic. But I think it’s a very worthwhile activity to reflect on how often you decline your kids’ requests. I think most people would be surprised just how often they say “just a minute” while they’re looking at Twitter or watching TV, or how often they say “later” but don’t follow through.
The Say-Yes Challenge
It instantly breaks my heart to see the disappointment on my kids’ faces when they come up with a play idea and I’m unable or unwilling to accommodate them. No matter what reason I have, even if I’m literally walking out the door, it makes me feel like a curmudgeon. I know it’s unrealistic to say yes every time a kid wants to play, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try.
So I have a challenge for you and me and everybody: say yes to your kids one time each day for an entire week. Think of it like the movie Yes Man with Jim Carrey. And it only counts if you are doing something else and have to put it aside - bonus points if you catch yourself about to say no and realize you can actually say yes just as easily. After 7 straight days of putting aside something to play with your kids you will have achieved eternal glory and be crowned champion of the Say-Yes Challenge.
Do you ever stop and reflect on how often you decline requests to play with your kids? Do you think it’s fair to say we could probably all do better? Did you win the Say-Yes Challenge? Let us know in the comments!
