When to Push a Kid to Try Something New
We recently went on a family vacation that included a stop at St. Augustine Beach in Florida. We only had two days to spend at the beach, which included the evening we arrived and the morning before we left. And, just for the sake of reference, the entire family had a really fantastic time that first evening.
We splashed in the waves, we collected shells, we buried ourselves in the sand. At one point our son literally stood in the water, raised his arms in the air, and loudly proclaimed “this is beautiful!” and “this is so fun!” So, once again for the sake of reference, I was understandably feeling quite confident that our son was having a good time.
Now let’s fast forward to the following morning, when it was time for us to squeeze in just a few more hours of beach time before we had to start driving home. Our son somehow got it into his head that he really didn’t want to go to the beach. And, for you parents out there, you know how big of an uphill battle was ahead to convince him otherwise.
Despite the fact that he was standing in the ocean with his arms in the air shouting “this is beautiful” no less than 12 hours ago, he was literally in tears at the thought of going to the beach. And I honestly can’t even begin to explain why that might be. A simple matter of inertia? I really don’t know. The best I can offer is that the frontal lobe in charge of rational thought and impulse control doesn’t develop until you’re in your mid-20s.
Strange moments like this as a parent have me torn though, and I’m sure many parents know this feeling. How do you balance respecting the desires and feelings of your kids with pushing them to do something you suspect or actually know they’ll love? Of course the answer, like so many parenting answers, is it really depends on the situation. But I naturally gravitate towards exposing them to the experiences.
In this particular instance, we managed to pinpoint a vague concern about getting too sandy. We told him he didn’t have to get in the ocean or bury himself in the sand. He could simply wear his normal clothes and sit on a towel. This soothed his concerns about getting sandy again, and we set off for the beach together. And within the first 60 seconds he was swimming in the ocean in his normal clothes and laughing with joy.
Now fast forward just a few days, when my wife and I sign up our 6-year-old daughter for an acting class for young kids - who are currently preparing to do a performance of The Little Mermaid. Everything about this class sounds like it was tailor-made for our daughter. She loves to act and dance and sing, and she loves mermaids just for good measure.
But when she heard about this plan she was beside herself - utterly convinced she didn’t want to go. She was really grumpy about it, and we easily could have given in and canceled her registration, but we were confident she’d fall in love. We just knew it, and quite frankly that’s how it is with parents and kids so often.
It turns out she may have been mostly scared of trying something new - and of not being ready or good enough. And I think she may have even thought they were going to do the play on the very first night, and she was giving herself nightmares of standing up to perform without knowing what to do.
In times like this it’s important to try to understand their concerns as best as possible. At the beach our son was happy when he was told he could wear his normal clothes and sit on a towel, and with The Little Mermaid our daughter was soothed when it was made clear that this was practice and not the play yet.
And of course she loved acting class. It fits her personality like a glove, and it may just be her favorite thing ever now. My wife and I really had a feeling this would be the case, and we love exposing our kids to things that might turn out to be meaningful to them, so cancelling the class because of the tantrum just wasn’t an option.
For me, it’s the exposure that’s important. It’s one of my major dad philosophies - expose the kids to experiences to help them discover their true loves and passions. I passionately believe it will set them up for an easier path to finding happiness. But I won’t pretend that irrational hesitancy can be tricky to navigate!
So when do you push a kid to try something new or something you just know they’ll love, and when do you actually take them at their word and call it quits? It can be really complicated can’t it? But I think there is in fact one key to the question - you have to unlock the true meaning behind their hesitancy, and validate their feelings along the way.
Like I mentioned before, sometimes it’s a simple matter of inertia, and it’s a shame to skip things you love because of that. We’ve had many activities the kids truly loved in the past, but what they didn’t like was getting in the car, or driving 30 minutes, or having to stop playing Minecraft. And somehow, despite a love for gymnastics, it can become “I hate gymnastics” really quickly.
Another very popular excuse is fear, often the fear of the unknown. And of course another explanation is sheer irrationality - surprisingly quite common with children. And the time in life that most parents run into these two excuses at the same time is with picky eaters.
We are most certainly not immune to picky eating around here. And there are of course tons of opinions on that out there. But my philosophy for food is very similar to my philosophy for pushing our kids to try new experiences - it’s about the exposure and then the reasoning, in that order. And, as far as food is concerned, I really just want them to try it. You can’t say you hate something if you’ve never tried it. And I think that’s a deceptively important concept to embrace.
Similarly, you can’t say you hate playing instruments if you’ve never learned to play one, or hate playing basketball without trying it. You can say it afterwards. It’s all about the exposure to the experiences, being open and honest, and then connecting those experiences with the true reasons for your feelings. And I think it’s up to us as parents to flesh out those reasons.
But, conversely, if you do try it, and you’re miserable, and you actually do hate it - well then we’ve actually learned something and it’s time to quit that one. As long as we aren’t quitting an entire hobby because we’re just tired that week, or hungry, or grumpy. As long as we’re quitting because it’s legitimately not for us, then we as parents should be fine with that too.
And, believe me, I’m definitely not saying it’s an easy job to navigate. And it’s certainly not always easy to tell the difference between truly hating something and being scared or being tired. But let’s just say if they were standing in the ocean shouting “this is beautiful!” 12 hours ago, it’s probably worth the time to have a chat and try to understand before we toss the ocean out with the bathwater.
What’s your parenting philosophy on trying new things? Let us know in the comments!
